Identity Beyond Labels: Who Are You Without the Story?

One of the first things I listen for in therapy isn’t just what a client is struggling with, it’s how they describe themselves.

“I’m a workaholic.”

“I’ve always been the anxious one.”

“I’m the guy who keeps everything together.”

“I just don’t trust people.”

These aren’t just statements. They’re identities.

At some point, these narratives likely served a purpose. They provided structure, a sense of meaning, maybe even protection. But what happens when they become too rigid? When the story that once helped you survive starts keeping you stuck?

This is where therapy comes in, not to erase the past, but to loosen its grip.

More Than a Diagnosis: Why You Are Not Your Mental Health Condition

I see this most often with mental health labels. A diagnosis can be a powerful tool, it gives language to what was once confusing, a way to understand patterns of thought and behaviour. But too often, it becomes a box that people feel trapped inside.

A client might say:

"I have ADHD, so of course I procrastinate."

"I have PTSD, so I can’t trust people."

"I have depression, so I’ll always feel this way."

Each of these statements contains truth, these conditions shape experience. But they aren’t the whole truth. Therapy helps clients step back and see that their struggles are just one part of them, not their entire identity.

How the Brain Reinforces Identity Narratives

The brain is a storyteller with a part responsible for self-referential thinking which loops familiar narratives over and over. If you’ve told yourself for years that you’re “just an anxious person” or “bad at relationships,” your brain reinforces those beliefs as truth.

Neuroscience tells us that the brain is changeable. Neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to rewire itself) means that identity is not fixed. The way you see yourself now is a product of past experiences, repeated thoughts, and reinforced patterns. In therapy, we work to challenge and reshape those patterns.

How Therapy Helps Shift the Story

Creating Distance from the Narrative (Cognitive Defusion, ACT)

One of the first things I help clients practice is stepping back from their thoughts rather than fusing with them. Instead of:

❌ I’m an anxious person.

✔️ I’m experiencing anxiety right now.

This subtle shift moves identity away from the struggle itself. It reminds clients that emotions and thought patterns are temporary, not fixed traits.

Uncovering Where the Story Came From

Many of the labels we carry weren’t chosen consciously, they were shaped by early experiences, family dynamics or social expectations. Therapy provides a space to examine:

• When did I start believing this about myself?

• Whose voice does this sound like?

• Does this story still serve me?

Understanding where a belief originated helps loosen its power.

Challenging the Story Through Action (Behavioural Experiments, CBT, Exposure Therapy)

One of the most effective ways to rewrite an identity is through action. If a client believes "I’m bad at handling stress," I encourage small, intentional challenges to test that belief.

• Cold-water exposure: Builds tolerance for discomfort, showing that distress doesn’t always mean danger.

• Setting a boundary (link to boundaries): Demonstrates that relationships don’t crumble when they assert their needs.

• Trying something new (even small): Helps counter the narrative of “I’m not capable” with lived experience.

Each time a client steps outside of their usual pattern, they gather new evidence about who they could be.

Using Self-Compassion to Break the Cycle

Old narratives are often tied to self-criticism. Research shows that self-compassion reduces the brain’s threat response and activates the soothing system. When clients approach themselves with kindness rather than shame, they’re less likely to reinforce old stories and more likely to try new ways of being.

Who Are You Beyond the Story?

In therapy, I don’t ask clients to abandon everything they’ve known about themselves overnight. Instead, I help them hold their identity with more flexibility. You can be someone who has struggled and still thrive. You can have anxiety and still experience peace. You can have a past and still choose who you want to be moving forward.

So when we strip back the labels, the expectations, the familiar stories, who’s underneath? That’s where the real work begins.