Letting Go of Old Versions of Yourself (Even the Strong Ones)
There’s a certain grief in growth.
When we talk about letting go of the past, we often think of shedding pain, trauma, or limiting beliefs. But what about the versions of ourselves that once served us? The strong ones. The resilient ones. The ones who carried us through.
I see this in therapy all the time—people who aren’t just afraid to move forward, but afraid to let go of the person they had to be to survive. Consider the soldier who learned to compartmentalise but now struggles to connect, the perfectionist who achieved everything yet feels utterly exhausted, or the caregiver who always put others first at the expense of their own well-being. These identities were forged in fire. They were necessary. And yet, at some point, they start to weigh us down. The question is: What happens when you no longer need to be that person?
Why It’s Hard to Let Go of Strong Versions of Ourselves
The brain doesn’t just remember experiences, it remembers who we were in those experiences. Our sense of self is wired into patterns of thought, emotion, and behaviour. If you’ve spent years being the reliable one, the tough one, the self-sacrificing one, your brain will default to that identity… even when it’s no longer serving you.
And then there’s the fear.
Who am I without this role?
What if I let go and fall apart?
If I change, will I still be respected? Will I still belong?
These questions aren’t just intellectual, they trigger deep survival instincts. We hold onto these versions of ourselves because they’ve kept us safe. Letting them go feels like stepping into the unknown.
How Therapy Helps You Step Beyond Old Identities
Letting go isn’t about rejecting who you were, it’s about making room for who you’re becoming. In therapy, this often involves:
Recognising That Strength and Struggle Can Coexist
People often fear that if they let go of an old survival strategy, they’ll become weak. But real strength isn’t about never changing, it’s about adapting.
Strength is knowing when to hold the line and when to soften.
Strength is allowing yourself to rest without guilt.
Strength is being open to new ways of being, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Therapy helps clients recognise that stepping away from an old identity isn’t losing strength, it’s evolving it.
Grieving the Old Self
Letting go of a past version of yourself can feel like a loss. In therapy, we make space for that grief by:
Acknowledging what that version of you gave you.
Honoring their role in your story.
Recognising that they were never meant to be permanent.
Sometimes, a simple ritual, writing a letter to your past self, speaking words of gratitude for who they were, can help bridge the transition.
Developing New Neural Pathways for Identity
Through cognitive flexibility and behavioural experiments, therapy helps clients explore who they are beyond old roles.
If you were always the one who “had to be strong,” what happens when you ask for support?
If you were always the one who “pushed through,” what happens when you allow yourself to rest?
If you were always the one who “kept things together,” what happens when you let people see your struggles?
Each time you step outside the old pattern, your brain begins to rewire itself. The more you practice, the more your identity expands beyond who you’ve always been.
Making Peace with the Unfinished Story
There’s a myth that we’re supposed to “find ourselves” as if identity is a fixed destination. But the truth is, we’re always in motion. Letting go of an old version of yourself doesn’t mean rejecting them, it means recognising that you’re still writing your story. You get to decide what comes next.
A Note to Remember: “Be Careful What of Yourself, You Give Away”
A wise man once told me, “Be careful what of yourself, you give away.” At first, I understood it as a caution about overextending, giving so much to others that there’s nothing left for yourself. Over time, I realised there’s a deeper lesson here: in clinging to the roles that once served us, we risk giving away parts of who we are. We mould our identity to fit the expectations of others, unknowingly sacrificing our authentic self.
Letting go of an old version of yourself isn’t just about stepping into something new, it’s about reclaiming those parts of you that have been lost along the way. It’s a reminder to be mindful of what you allow to define you, so you don’t inadvertently give away the essence of who you truly are.
Who Are You Becoming?
If you’ve been feeling the weight of an old identity… one that once kept you safe, strong, or steady… but no longer fits, consider this: It’s okay to change. It’s okay to evolve. And it’s okay to let go.
Not because you’re leaving behind strength, but because you’re learning a new kind of it. By releasing the old, you create space for a more authentic, flexible, and compassionate version of yourself. So, who are you becoming? The answer lies in the willingness to embrace transformation, honour your past, and step into a future that feels true to your evolving self.