The Psychology of Limits: Knowing When to Push and When to Yield
We live in a culture that glorifies pushing through. "No pain, no gain." "Push past your limits." "Winners never quit." But what if this narrative is doing more harm than good? The truth is, wisdom doesn’t just come from knowing how to push harder, it comes from knowing when to push and when to yield.
Stop Forcing It: When Surrender is the Strongest Move
Surrender often gets confused with weakness. But in psychological terms, surrender can be a form of adaptive coping, recognising when circumstances are outside of your control and redirecting energy toward what can be changed. This is different from learned helplessness, where giving up stems from a belief that nothing will ever improve. True surrender is intentional. It’s a strategic choice, not a passive defeat.
In therapy, this can look like someone realising that clinging to an unhealthy relationship or an unattainable career goal is causing more harm than good. Surrender in these moments isn’t about giving up, it’s about making space for something healthier to emerge.
Burnout vs. Resilience: The Fine Line Between Grit and Self-Betrayal
Psychological resilience is often misunderstood. It’s not just about enduring hardship, it’s about adaptability and recovery. Research on motivation states—like intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation—shows that people driven by internal values tend to have healthier, more sustainable resilience. On the other hand, when motivation is extrinsically focused—on meeting others’ expectations or avoiding failure—people are more likely to push themselves to the point of burnout.
In therapy, we often see this in clients who’ve spent years proving themselves in high-pressure environments… whether it’s the military, corporate world, or even within family dynamics. They wear their grit like a badge of honour, but underneath, there’s often exhaustion, disconnection, and a quiet sense of betrayal: "Why am I doing this to myself?"
Why ‘Never Give Up’ is Terrible Advice (And What to Do Instead)
The phrase "never give up" sounds motivating, but it ignores the complexity of human behaviour. According to the Big Five personality traits, individuals high in conscientiousness—those who are disciplined, goal-oriented, and persistent—may struggle to recognise when persistence becomes self-sabotage. Meanwhile, those high in openness to experience might find it easier to pivot or adapt to new paths when something isn’t working.
In the therapy room, these patterns become clear. Someone might feel trapped by their own drive for perfection, unable to let go of goals that no longer align with their values. Therapy can help untangle these internal conflicts, making space for more flexible, value-driven decisions.
The Science of Limits—And How to Expand Them Mindfully
Understanding your limits isn’t about placing restrictions on yourself, it’s about tuning into your psychological needs and recognising when to adjust your approach. The concept of self-determination theory highlights three key needs for motivation: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When these needs are met, we thrive. When they’re ignored… when we push too hard without support or alignment to our values… burnout creeps in.
Sometimes, the bravest move is to rest, recalibrate, and return stronger. Other times, it’s about digging deep and pushing through discomfort. The key is knowing which moment you’re in.
How This Shows Up in Therapy
In therapy, exploring the psychology of limits often means challenging long-held beliefs about what it means to be strong, successful, or resilient. It’s about helping clients recognise patterns of overcommitment, perfectionism, or avoidance, and offering tools to navigate these tendencies with greater self-awareness.
For veterans, this might involve unpacking the military mindset of relentless perseverance and learning how to apply that strength in a more balanced way in civilian life. For men navigating societal pressures around a stiff upper lip and success, it could mean redefining what resilience looks like, less about pushing through pain, and more about making space for vulnerability and rest.
At Wye Counselling and Psychotherapy, I work with you, men, women, veterans, and individuals who are navigating the fine line between resilience and burnout. If you’re struggling to know when to push and when to yield, therapy can offer a space to explore these limits safely. It’s not about giving up; it’s about finding a sustainable way forward. Ready to redefine what strength means for you?