Why Goals Fail (And What That Means for Us)
At the start of the year, we’re flooded with optimism and energy: This is the year I’ll finally… Lose the weight… Save the money… Write the book… Heal the past.
But as January fades into February, that energy often fizzles out. The goals we set for ourselves, sometimes with such conviction, remain unmet. Then what? We’re left with that familiar sting of failure, the inner voice whispering, Why can’t I just do better?
If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. Not meeting our goals isn’t about laziness or a lack of discipline. It’s rooted in complex psychological processes and, often, a lack of alignment between what we do and who we truly are.
Why Goals Fail: The Psychology and Neuroscience
Unrealistic Expectations and the Brain’s Reward System
When we set lofty, all-or-nothing goals, our brain's reward system, centred around dopamine, is set up for failure. Dopamine drives motivation, but it thrives on small, achievable wins. When the gap between where we are and where we want to be feels too wide, our brain perceives the goal as unattainable, leading to frustration and disengagement.
The Role of Self-Worth and Shame
Many of us attach our self-worth to the outcome of our goals: If I achieve this, I’ll be enough. When we fall short, our inner critic takes over, triggering feelings of shame or inadequacy. This emotional spiral activates the brain’s threat response, making it even harder to try again.
Values vs. Shoulds
Goals grounded in external validation or societal "shoulds" are often misaligned with our personal values. Neuroscience shows that when actions are driven by intrinsic motivation (aligned with personal values), the brain’s default mode network (the area responsible for meaning-making) is more engaged. In contrast, goals tied to external pressures often lack this depth, making them harder to sustain.
Cognitive Overload and Habits
Big goals demand significant cognitive resources. When we’re overwhelmed by life’s demands, our brain defaults to familiar habits, even if they don’t serve us. This is why stress often derails our best intentions.
Reframing Failure: What Does It Mean to Succeed?
When clients come to me feeling stuck or defeated, one of the first things we explore is what success means to them. Often, the definition is rigid, tied to perfection or societal standards. Together, we reframe this:
Success isn’t about ticking every box. It’s about progress, alignment, and learning.
Failure isn’t the end; it’s feedback.
Psychologically, this shift engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning and problem-solving, helping clients see new possibilities instead of getting stuck in self-criticism.
Another crucial element is identifying values. Many of us chase goals that don’t truly resonate with who we are. Through therapy, we unpack these deeper layers: What really matters to you? When goals are rooted in personal values, they become meaningful, sustainable, and fulfilling.
Moving Forward: A Neuroscience-Informed Approach
Set Micro-Goals to Trigger Dopamine
Break big goals into small, achievable steps. Set the bar low enough, you’ll still be aiming up. For example, instead of “run a marathon,” start with “walk 10 minutes a day.” Each small win releases dopamine, reinforcing motivation and building momentum.
Align Goals with Intrinsic Values
Ask yourself: Why does this goal matter to me? If the answer feels shallow or externally driven, it’s time to realign. Through therapy, we can articulate and clarify your values, creating goals that truly resonate.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion reduces the brain’s threat response and activates the soothing system, helping you stay engaged even when things don’t go perfectly… which they won’t!
Build Awareness Around Habits
Reflect on the systems and routines that shape your behaviour. Neuroscience tells us that habits are formed through repetition and reward, both key elements we can intentionally shape.
Revisit and Adjust Regularly
Goals should evolve with you. Regular reflection helps ensure they remain aligned with your values and circumstances.
Working with a Therapist: Turning Insight Into Action
This process—realigning with your values, reframing failure, and building systems for change—is exactly what we do in therapy.
When we work together, we don’t just focus on the surface-level goal. We delve deeper into:
What’s driving you?
What’s holding you back?
What values can anchor and guide you?
Through this process, we can identify the patterns and blocks that may have kept you stuck in the past. We create a plan that’s not just about achieving goals but about living in alignment with who you want to be.
You can’t just laugh off your unmet goals. You can’t withstand these struggles with a quip or an inspirational quote on Instagram. Real transformation comes from returning to the work—again and again—digging into your values and reconnecting with what truly matters. Read more here: finding-purpose-a-life-changing-choice.
A Final Thought: Keep Showing Up
Not meeting your goals doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you’re human. The path to growth isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, reflecting, and taking the next small step forward.
So, if you’ve stumbled on your New Year’s resolutions, or any goal, ask yourself: What can I learn from this? What’s the next small step I can take? Then take it.
If you’re ready to align your goals with your values, understand the deeper layers of what drives you, and create sustainable change, let’s start that work together. Therapy isn’t just a space for exploring your struggles, it’s where you begin to shape the life you want to live.